New Born

New Born, a photo by ☠Pixie on Flickr.

Last post for this 2011. I'm writing at 7.43 in the morning... even though I'm tired I can't sleep, so I though to write something to say goodbye to this year.

This year was: busy, crazy, messy, intense (maybe too much), full of news, I had the opportunity to learn a lot in my school, and I thank my family to help me to reach my goal. Now I think I'm a better photographer (but I'm still learning, I won't never stop learning!!), I think I'm a better person, maybe a little bit too selfish, a little bit too self absorbed, but it's the only way I have to be focused on what I have to do.

And your 2011??? How was it??

I did super important things this year, first of all I started my school, the Academy of Art University, the most important thing I have here, the reason I'm doing what I'm doing. I passed all my classes and this was a very important success for me, as a foreign student I feel double satisfied!

I moved in a new great house, with a lovely roomie (finally!!!!!). 

I grew up in my job and finally I make pretty good money, after one year counting every cent now I feel refreshed!!

I got my 5D Mark ii and the 50mm F/1.4 and now I know I won't never live without.

I met great friends, but also a lot of shit... maybe more shitty people than good ones, but I've learned how to be strong enough to leave everything behind me and keep looking ahead.

I met the guy who knew how to change my life....

I lost the guy who changed my life...

For this new year I already have a pretty big list of goals I must reach.

• buy a speedlite for my 5D Mark ii.
• buy a new lens for my 5D Mark ii (maybe I'm gonna buy the 24-70mm F/2.8)
• buy a pretty good equipment of lights 
• buy a medium format super vintage camera
• get more tattoos (thighs, sleeve)
• let my hair grow
• pass all my classes with A and B only
• lose at least 10 lbs
• forget about what I used to have and I lost and look forward to find something better
• buy more shoes
• aprender español!!!!!
• go to Italy for a real summer experience <3
• never stop taking photos
• never stop being the way I am
• never stop getting better 

And now I think I'll try to sleep a little... tonight it's gonna be a hard night at work...

I wish a great end and an amazing beginning!

love ya bitches!

xxx

E.

Heaven and Hell

This is the project I did for my finals about my passion for tattoos.
Hope you'll like it.

All Rights Reserved
Eleonora Palmieri Photography 2011. 
Don't use my photos, don't modify or crop them.

The Cheater

I don't remember if I told you that I have a new house... 

This is my second week from my new bedroom, a huge bedroom with an amazing victorian style window, tons of natural lights and a nice view on the hills of SF.

I love my new place. It's a pretty good size apt in the heart of Russian Hill (yes I'm back to my old neighborhood), I'm lucky enough to live with a gorgeous person also. My roommate is fantastic, too bad we have such a different schedule and it's kinda hard to spend time together because I really like her. A modern bohemian girl, kinda hippie, kinda vintage, she is pretty, and most important thing, she is super into photography like me! should I ask more?

So now I have a new house, a new great roomie, my new camera, a new tripod (fuck yeah!!), and I'm planning a few new things that I'm gonna tell you later.

The only thing I should do to be kinda happy is to find a new job... I'm so done with that place, I can't waist my time anymore. I can stand it anymore, I'm sorry only for the guys who I work with, but for all the rest I really gotta find a new place... I hate restaurants but here it seems to be the easiest place to make money... 

Now let's talk about photos.

The photo I put on my blog today it's a photo I needed to do to remind myself how I love photography, to remind myself who I am and why I'm here. I'm cheating my Canon with this vintage Nikon but only for this photo :P ... Canon is a true, deep love!

Now I have also to remind myself that I'm a photography student and I have finals exams to prepare.

Crossed fingers.

E.

I know the sun must set to rise

I still see your face everywhere I go.

I can smell you, hear you voice. Everything we were is so deep inside me and it doesn't want to leave.

It's been almost 4 months and I'm still here thinking you were the one. But I know I'm damn wrong. You were so wrong. You were a mistake. That's what I'm trying to believe. Maybe one day I'm gonna win this war, because you create a war inside me, and now I'm falling apart. 

I see blurry, nothing is on focus, only your memory is so vivid and it pisses me off. I'm losing. I lost you and now I'm losing myself. 

When will all of this be over? 

If I could I'd like to delete my memory like Clementine. I should hate you. But I only hate myself because I'm not able to let you go, and it's too late. 

I'm under a stormy sky and I'm waiting for the sun. 

Because I know the sun must set to rise...

Butterflies & Hurricanes

I'm done with today.

I'm done with that fake smile I need to have while I'm working.

I'm done with being nice and kind.

I'm done with that part of me I hate.

Tonight I was about to kill somebody. Why I can't kill stupid people? Why I can't clean the world? 

I don't get it, I think we are too many here... why I can't move on another planet with no idiots around? 

I'm so sick of my job. I'm not a waitress, I'm not a bartender. I'm not able to work with stupid and disrespectful people, I'm sick and tired of saying "yes" when I'd like to flip off my finger instead. 

I'm so done. 

One day everything is gonna be okay. Everything is gonna change. One day I'll be the way I am and I won't care about anybody else, or just the few people I want to care about. One day I'll be strong enough to say NO and give back all the shit I'm taking now....

But now I feel I'm struggling with the part of me who needs this compromise and the other part of me who'd like to give up. 

One day I'm gonna find a way out.

I'm so done with everything today.

Non so che titolo dare a questo post... iniziamo bene :)

Oggi mi va di scrivere un post in italiano. Mi sono resa conto che è tantissimo che non lo faccio, ho preso troppo alla lettera il consiglio del mio ex insegnante di writing class: "fate un blog in Inglese!!" credo mi abbia aiutato, ma oggi sono davvero pigra, è il mio giorno off e di domenica non ho quasi voglia di collegare il cervello, nemmeno per parlare o scrivere in inglese.
La settimana passata è stata davvero dura. Pesante.
Sto preparando gli esami di Mid-Term e mi sembra di svalvolare, già dati i primi 2 e domani gli ultimi 2, speriamo bene.
Martedì scorso è stato il mio 29° compleanno 21° compleanno (LOL) e proprio mi è stato sul cazzo da morire, nemmeno mi va di parlare della brutta sensazione che è stata, parlerò invece del regalo che mi sono fatta per rendere quel giorno speciale... dico solo CANON EOS 5D MARK II. Il regalo più bello che potessi mai farmi. Dopo averla usata per un mese, non sono riuscita a farne più a meno, e così ho pensato che io e lei siamo fatte per stare insieme per sempre. Lei è fottutamente sexy!!!
Ora sembriamo la più bella delle coppie, sempre insieme, affiatate, l'una per l'altra... questa cosa fa tanto photography geek, ma che devo fare se non c'è nulla attualmente che ami di più? Nella mia vita ora come ora non c'è spazio per altro, e ogni cosa che faccio è relativa alla fotografia.. ma dio solo sa quanta roba sta bollendo in pentola!! Faccio un piccolissimo elenco di tutte le cose che dovrò fare:

• sto cercando casa! si si proprio una casetta nuova, per andare a vivere con le mie amiche, la rossa Cassandra e la bionda Ilenia, che voglio di più dalla vita? abbiamo trovato pure l'equilibrio nei colori. Problema è che a SF non è affatto facile trovare una casa carina, in un quartiere carino,con prezzi decenti, qui gli affitti sono così alti che mi viene da piangere solo all'idea, cmq oggi ne vado a vedere una e speriamo bene :)
• pian pianino dovrò comprare pezzi mancanti alla mia vita da fotografa quali: un nuovo cavalletto, la mia nuova bambina è troppo pesante per il mio cavalletto economico, così pensavo di prenderne uno davvero buono, peccato che anche lì la cifra sia indecente. Inoltre mi servirà un flash e non è che mi accontento di quello scamuffo, io voglio il meglio ergo voglio lo speedlite 580EX ii, altra bella cifra considerevole. 

Senza poi parlare del fatto che ho sempre le mie passioni: shopping (siiii sono anche io una ragazza) e tattoo... già ne ho in mente qualcuno nuovo... ma cazzo perché tutto quello che amo costa così tanto?

Ohhh... mi sono scordata di dirvi che anche questo mese sono zitella, si si non c'è nulla di nuovo all'orizzonte, allergia agli uomini, mi annoiano a morte, resterò sola io e la mia canon, che è una gran bella solitudine.... ma dio se mi mancano le coccole.. anche il mio Danbo ha trovato un amichetto da coccolare... io invece mi attacco al cazz... non ne farò una tragedia, ma inizio ad averne le palle piene ^_^
Detto ciò mi vado a fare una bella doccia depurativa, mi vesto, mi faccio super figa (ahahah) e me ne vado a vedere la casetta prima, e poi a fare foto ad una Tattoo Convencion... che incontrassi un bel tatuatore figo e mi innamoro..

Peace gente...
E.

LVE.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

- Steve Jobs -

VANS are fucking great models!

Today was a productive day! 

First of all was my day off and yes I'm kinda happy,  days off are always a good thing, then I spent most of the time taking photos for my school's assignment. My Visualization teacher had the outstanding idea to give us a project  with SHOES as a subject and nothing better was to me working on this photos, I'm kinda crazy about shoes, they are one of the best way to spend money, they are never enough... so I decided to shoot my new Vans, I had to put my shoes in a situation I thought was interesting, so I chose to shoot my feet floating in the air with a pretty awesome background, an explosion of bokeh!!! 

I was thinking about one of the song I love more "Where is my mind?" by Pixies  because I'm always "with your feet in the air and your head on the ground..." .... maybe I'm a hopeless dreamer but I love to live my life this way :)

About all the rest... school is going well, I love it you already know, all the classes are super cool, but Composition... damn it's such a pain in the ass, but they say I have to so let's kick some asses!

Work is getting better.  I quit my second job, it was impossible, 2 jobs plus school, plus homework, plus photos = NO LIFE. So I decided my life was more important than money and now I'm "free" again. At least I have much time to study and that's the most important thing. 

My personal life is still the same... boring... nothing... an empty book... and I don't have time to write anything on it, maybe now it's better, I have to be super focused on my photography life, that's the first thing, then all the rest... also because I'm amazing to wanting always something I can't have. What should I do? ... I like a robot am not a robot, so it's not that simple to figure it out, but I'm working on it :)

E.

                                 

Some other photos I shot today...

just 5 seconds..

Look at you!!!! I have a new layout, pretty awesome, isn't it?
No time to talk today, work is waiting for me..
but i promise i'll be back soon.

Welcome full frame

                                   Welcome full frame, a photo by ☠Pixie {Eleonora Palmieri photography} on Flickr.

I don't need words for this post...
she talks better than me.

Mia - session II.....

...and today I got some color for my tattoo :) as you can see now my arm is like a sausage hot and red, i can barely see the colors... can't wait to see it finally done.. after this session I'm gonna wait a month so the colors will be perfect and then see if I want to add anything else, probably just review some stuff :)
Also Juan Puente one of the best tattoo artist here in SF gave me his Canon V-1 to let me play with a film camera! jesus he's rad!!!!!! It's gonna be hard I'm not that good with film and that camera is so heavy I feel my arms shaking after 5 seconds pointing to shoot, but it's too awesome!

And now I'm here on my bed thinking about something I don't know, now I feel so tired and empty, incomplete again... I swear I hate myself, I hate this part of me.. I don't get why after a beautiful day now i feel like shit... why i can't enjoy this moment, why???
and also i feel even worst because the only person who I'd like to talk with is sleeping, living way too far from me.. and maybe he doesn't really want to listen my damn problems...
The only thing i know is i'd like to stop my mind sometimes, now i feel like crap with no fucking reason and i miss my family, my brother more than anything and i don't' get why everything is happening
i just hate myself now.

new semester here we go!

..and yes i'm back to school!!! last Friday I officially started my second semester at AAU and I'm really happy and satisfied. I had 2 classes the first day: Visualization and Composition for the artist. Visualization is pretty amazing, I'm gonna study what is behind a photo, the concept behind, the idea a photographer wants to show people with his picture and I'm gonna do every week a different project with a different theme, first assignment is about FEAR! pretty awesome, and today i'm going to shoot something around, i already have some ideas.
Composition for the artist is a little pain in the ass. Basically is english. How to be a good writer. Nothing related to photography but i have to take that class for my bachelor..
Other classes I'm going to take are Color Photography and Photoshop and I'm very happy about my schedule this semester they all look interesting and I'm so excited!!!

This week was super extremely busy, but i like a busy life better than stay home and doing nothing. My two jobs are ok, and i hope i can handle them both otherwise I have to choose.. but now I'm doing fine, i still really dislike my girly dressing for Perbacco but I have to live with them.

Last week and was pretty amazing! Adriano, a friend of mine from high school, came here in SF!!! you don't even know how happy i was... it was like going back in time, i met him when i was 14, we grew up together basically, he is one of my closest friend and now he lives in UK so it's not easy to see each other. Being here together was awesome! I'm just sad i have to wait at least 1 year to see him again :( damn distance! I miss my friends sometimes, I'm a selective person, I don't have tons of friends, but few really good ones and yes i do miss 'em a lot, we are all over the world and Skype is the only way to see each other and talk.. not enough though..

By the way, I'm off today, no work! just relaxing and taking pics, and tomorrow the same :)
thank god i need some rest :)

peace.

News.... MUSE...

Hello everyone! how's life going? mine is getting busier...

have a couple of things to talk about today, so let's get started...

I got a new job!!!!

today was my first day at PERBACCO, an italian restaurant in the financial district, a fine dining restaurant were i have to host, wearing like a woman (and that's the real bet for me!!!) and follows tones of rules... it's gonna be hard, I already know but it's a challenge and i'm gonna try.. today i started my training and i hope i did it well, now i have 2 books to study, books about employees rules and it sounds crazy to me....

...but we will see, the most hard thing i have to do is being careful about tattoos and piercings... i have to hide all of them and i hate it because it's like hiding part of me, part of what i am.. but i have to, it's a good place to work, and yes i need money..

I have to do 4 more days of training and then i'm going to start my regular shifts, I'll have 3 days lunch time to start, so i can still work at Amarena, I won't leave my restaurant, i love it and i'll try to do some double shift, then I have to see how everything can works together with my school...

beeeecause I'm going to start the fall semester september 1st!!!! I'm super excited and happy, it's the fist time in my life i'm happy to go back to school :) i'm going to take 4 classes: photoshop, visualization, color photography and composition, they sounds awesome and i can't wait.. seriously!

Last things i want to talk about is what i did last saturday..........and i'll say only one word... MUSE!!!!!!!!!

I saw them at the Outside Lands Festival here in San Francisco, and i swear to God i've never seen a show like that in my entire life.. it was more than amazing, more than great... it was just perfect! They are unbelievable on stage, Matt is fantastic, I'm totally in love with him! I lost my voice singing all the songs, I was almost crying more than one time, I don't even know how to explain what their music makes me feel, the only thing i know it's that i love 'em!

This is a little video I took when they were performing my favorite song, it' s a crappy video but that moment will be in my heart forever...

Well.. now i have to study my paper work and get ready for dinner with my friends...

wish me some luck because it's going to start a super busy and stressful time of my life!!!

Peace.

Mia

Mia, a photo by ✖Pixie {Eleonora Palmieri photography} on Flickr.

Mia..

Mia is the other side of me, the other part that I usually hide, she is the best part.. because most of the time is too hard showing what we have inside so we prefer showing the worst part of us..

Mia is a dreamer, she is free, she is sweet and pure, she doesn't know what fear means, she's brave and she knows how to love, she's not scared to show her feelings.. she floats like a feather, she is so fragile but so strong, she looks lost sometimes, she lives in her weird state of mind, and doesn't really care about other people, but she's not selfish, she's just better than normal and ordinary people.

She lives every emotions till the end, and even though sometimes it hurts she's happy because she knows that is better live than survive.

Mia is in love.

Her love is far away from her, she's broken probably but she still happy because she wasn't scared to live and feel her passion, she has no regrets, and she's pretty sure that one day that little part of her broken heart is going to heal, she will be with him again...

I think Mia is crazy, just a little bit, she's kinda creepy sometimes but her eyes are so lovely that you can forgive her for being imperfect...

Mia is my private moment of pain, after one mad week where I thought to lose my mind, she helped me, she's gonna help me again...

love is a losing game

"One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game"

This is what Amy Winehouse said in one of her song, one of my favorite song of Amy...

Never like in these days I can tell how it's true.. love is a losing game..

after 3 months with no talking and no seeing each others you are here again, why?

I don't understand, really. I don't get people, I think I don't get life.. Now you're moving, and 4 days before you're leaving you are here again.. and i'm so stupid, so vulnerable, so in love with you after all, after the bad words, after the bad moments, after the magic moments, after our up and down, 2 months of love, two of hate... why? why we are still here? I don't get us..

the only thing I know is how everything become invisible when I'm with you, all the rest lose meaning, nothing matters, I feel I could live with anything else...

what should I do? I'm not ready for your move, I can't think we have 3 more days, only 3 more days.. I wish I could keep you here with me I wish I could be so strong to change you and change what is going on, but I can't.. I can't, and it hurts I almost can't breathe.

i think i love you..and i'm losing you.

Mistakes

I always say: God is in the food... after this photo I'm sure you'll agree with me...

And there's nothing better than good, fat, sweet, amazing food, to recover our soul pain. And that's what i ate last sunday for our roommates brunch, awesome.

Sunday night i saw the only person i didn't think to see, the only person I didn't want to see.. and he was right in front of me.. no words, a damn fast look at each others and then nothing. What are we?: nothing. what were we?: nothing.

I made a huge mistake, but i don't have regrets, I did everything I could, I believed for a moment he was the right one, I was wrong, but it doesn't matter, I'm happy to make mistakes, it means I'm alive and I have feelings and I use my heart more than my brain.. but now I really need a break. I need a time to relax and recover. And I will be fixed, again. I can do it :)

I can be the cold and cynical Ele that sometimes I love.

I'm not scared I know, it will be just for a small period of time..

I was talking about mistakes, well I realized almost 2 years ago I chose the wrong cousin..

it's nice talking to you in the middle of the night. It's more than nice teasing you, but it's damn annoying being so far.. specially when you feel so hungry.... right?

Time to sleep, hope to feel better tomorrow.

E.

I love my room!

Finally it's ready!!! I have everything I need in my room... and I love it!!!

After one year and 7 months I could see my room perfect :) Yesterday i went to Ikea and i got a new desk (a m a z i n g) and some other stuff, now I have my work station, damn I spent the entire semester studying on my bed and my poor back is still insulting me, but now I have what I always wanted, a white milky desk!

To be an Ikea desk it's kinda expensive, but whatever, it's more than cute, it's perfect in my room and i feel really proud to have the room i wanted, made it buying everything by myself, the satisfaction is too high :) i feel proud of me when i can do stuff like that...

Now I'm working a lot, my boss is in Italy and i'm working every day (almost without day off) so I saved some money to get my milky desk... now my new goal is a new lens, of course.. damn life why are you so expensive and we have to work as hell to have what we need?

I was thinking that for the first time I miss school... it's weird, I feel weird! I never EVER had these kind of thoughts in my whole life, and now that I'm in summer break I miss having class... I mean, I love doing nothing and rolling my body on my bed, but I feel my life incomplete without the Academy and that's AWESOME!!! I've never been so happy to study and yes it's great!! Of course I didn't stop shooting, I had a great photoshoot last week during a tattoo session, it was so much fun, I can't believe the Blackheart crew let me shoot in their studio, the first thing you read on their wall is NO PHOTO!!! so i felt pretty lucky (you can see some pics on my flickr if you want). Now I'm already thinking about a new photoset, maybe I'll do some self portrait soon, I need to work on new stuff with photoshop and I always prefer to use myself to experiment new stuff ...

Now I can enjoy the rest of my day off (and of course the weather sucks!!! fml) don't know how yet, but I'm glad I can relax a bit..

later people

xoxo

E.

Summertime

The summer is coming in San Francisco...

it's rainy, cold, kinda foggy and horrible!!!! After one year and 6 months I'm still complaining about this crappy weather, this morning i was talking to my brother and he was just back from the sea... you don't even know how i hated him at that moment.. i miss the sea so bad, and i'm super mad cause i have the sea a few blocks from my house, but here it's too cold so it's useless!!!

well.. I have some news!

First of all i finally had all my grades.... and YES i made it!!! I passed all my classes for this first semester and i'm more than happy, i had pretty good grades also, i feel proud of me, it's one of the best feelings i've ever had and it's just the beginning!

Now I'm relaxing a little, sleeping and chilling, after a big trauma cause the end of LOST i found a new tv show to watch, Grey's Anatomy... of course is not LOST, i still believe it's the only tv show that matters, but Grey's Anatomy is nice too and is good for my english, that i hope it's getting better...

Life without classes is weird, i have to much time now, so another thing i did it was fixing my room, i put some of my pics and i'm trying to turn my room into a gallery, it's gonna be perfect for me.

After that son of a bitch stole my purse I had to do a new ID... and yes I applied for the California ID, now i'm just waiting, it will be so weird seeing my face on an american ID.. i'm gonna miss my italian one but things keep changing...

Stupid question... have you ever listened a song 200 times and never get tired of it? well to me it happens all the times, the song of the moment is Judas, by Lady Gaga, my woman... i leave you the video bellow it's so cool...

Have a great week end everybody!

E.

P.S. New header, hope you like it, it's a photo of SF took it from Sausalito. peace.

FML

FML....è la sola cosa che penso da ieri sera, quando un mister X non identificato mi ha rubato la borsa..... non so se sono più delusa o incazzata, forse è un mix tra queste 2 sensazione che proprio mi fa uscire fuori di senno... stanotte ho dormito pochissimo tanto mi giravano, oggi poi ho passato la giornata tra banche per bloccare le carte di credito, polizia per fare la denuncia di smarrimento della patente, consolato italiano per chiedere se fosse possibile riavere la mia patente italiana... e ovviamente la risposta è stata "Si in Italia, noi da qui non possiamo fare nulla.. vai alla DMV e prendi la patente americana..." .... come sempre l'efficienza della burocrazia italiana, anche all'estero fa schifo... Quindi domani dovrò passare non so quante ore in fila per fare il documento versione americana.

Senza contare che ho perso: la mia bellissima borsa in pelle della Vans, il mio bellissimo portafoglio di Hello Kitty, i miei trucchi, l'ID dell' università, la mia adorata Moleskine su cui scrivevo da oltre un anno, la foto della mia nonnina, e un paio di Ray-Ban che mortacci loro non ho manco i soldi per ricomprare al momento :(

E' stata una sensazione tremenda, l'idea che qualcuno abbia infilato le mani nelle mie cose personali, non era nulla di gran valore economico (a parte gli occhiali) ma il valore affettivo era grande, per alcune cose grandissimo...

ma la cosa che mi ha fatto più male è che tutto è successo mentre io mi fumavo una sigaretta, lasciata la borsa al tavolo, nessuno dei miei amici ha visto niente.. e nessuno, poi quando io ho iniziato a cercare la mia borsa, mi ha dato una mano a cercarla... se non pochissimi... nemmeno coloro che avrebbero dovuto essere più carini e vicini a me in quel momento in cui avevo le palle che giravano a elica... ieri mi sono sentita davvero sola... e tutt'ora ho un sapore amaro in bocca che proprio mi nausea... questo mi insegna che c'è qualcosa di malato nelle persone, qualcosa che proprio rende la gente egoista e menefreghista, a volte mi chiedo se anche io sono così agli occhi degli altri... io mi sento una persona migliore, dall'animo buono, forse troppo a volte, non penso di essere perfetta ma cazzo ieri sera mi sono fatta davvero qualche domanda.. e ancora non trovo risposte.. penso proprio che sia arrivato il momento di cambiare modo di fare..

Ora col rodimento di culo a manetta devo pure andare a lavoro, cosa che proprio non mi va...

triste...

Freaking out..

Well...I'm still alive, but i'm pretty tired (Forrest Gump docet!) ...

I'm turning into the last two weeks of this first semester and I'm working on my finals, it's tough, i'm stressed out, i'd like to sleep a bit more, i'd like to hang out more and i can't wait to spend some days doing NOTHING! after one year and a half studying no stop i think i need and i deserve a vacation! I don't care where, i only need to rest...

i'm also scared because tomorrow i have my first final test and i don't even know what i have to review, i'm doing again and again all the same things that i'm sick of everything, by the way i hope it's gonna be ok.

I'm also looking for a new job, yeah after one year at Amarena i think it's time to change, i like that place, it's nice and quite but i need more money, my school it's too expensive and i can't kick my ass working only to pay my bills and nothing else.. i need to enjoy my life a bit.. Right now i don't have so much time to think about my social life, yea i hang out but i don't have so much time to do all the things i'd like to do, but the summer break is close and i'm hella happy!

Now other news, i told you my social life is not that good, and i definitely turn the page with him.. i feel sad cause i think i made a big mistake, i overestimated someone who didn't deserve my feelings and it makes me feel really upset with myself.. but we learn from mistakes... i hope...

Sunday morning it happened something fantastic... i spent 3 hours on skype with Roger, i can still feel the same every time i talk to him, almost 3 years ago he made me feel alive again... now i wish to hug him again only for a second and relive all we had that summer, one of the most beautiful summer i have ever had! I hate being so far, but i'm sure we're not going to forget anything about what we felt and still feel for each others..

Anyway... now it's time to cook something... good night fellas! Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry SoCal.. but I'm in love for the City by the Bay....

Every time I go visit SoCal I think how am I lucky to live in San Francisco!!!!

I spent my last week end between Los Angeles, Laguna Beach (Orange County) and Indio, I went over there to take some photos for a wedding, and yes it was fun and nice, but after one day I missed my city.

Everything is so different, if you don't have a car in SoCal you are OUT, it's impossible to go anywhere, also I dislike the people, they are all blond, the girls look like many Barbies and the guys are their perfect Ken...

I think i'll be sick of a place like that after 2 days... Thank God I'm here...

Yesterday when i saw the Bay Bridge i felt i was home!!! it's the first time i have this feeling, maybe San Francisco took my heart so deeply, everything make me happy, busy, crazy, sad, fun is here... if i could stay with my family here it will be perfect.. but i cant complain, this city make me feel free and living here is the only think i really want now.

Well... now im in my bed, ready to start this long day... i have to do a lot of homework and tonight im going to the AT&T park to watch a baseball game, San Francisco GIANTS vs Los Angeles DODGERS, it's gonna be so much fun, im never been to the stadium to watch a baseball game, actually i dont know anything about baseball, but im sure it will be great... of course ill be there to take as many pics i can :) im so boring... everything in my life is around photography hahah... but tonight it will be a great night to drink (that's what Americans do when they go to the stadium lol!)

So now it's time to start this day...

good morning San Francisco! i dont remember if I already told you today that I'm in love with you...?!

E.

weird thoughts

I was thinking... why in SF most of the guys are crazy for mustache??? actually I like'em too.. but here there is an obsession with mustache.. I saw mustache on guys, glasses, cups, t-shirt, patches, tattoos, girls with fake mustaches.. well.. who knows.. this is only one of my weird thoughts...

Finally I'm on spring break!!!
Actually it's not the best spring break ever, because of this shitty weather first of all and also because I'm still working... so it's not a real vacation :( but whatever... I can sleep a little bit and it means a lot now...
I decided to buy something special to me!!!!! A new pair of inline skates yay!!!! after loooong time I'll start skating again, I'm so happy about that, it was a big passion for me, and now it's time to do something special and think only about me again. I cant wait to run as a crazy with my new skates with Nicole... the ocean, the wind, the sun... so Californian!!!!!
I have to buy also a lighting set for a new assignment for school... Im gonna build a studio in my bedroom hahah.. but I'm still looking for something cheap, and as you know anything about photography is cheap (goddamnit!!)
I have few days to work on 2 different projects and I have no ideas at all!!! OMG it's frustrating.. sometimes i'd like to do only what I like.. but now photography is not just a passion, it's also my job and what I'm studying and somethimes it's not that fun...

I need to say GRAZIE to my mom for the beautiful photo she sent me, a photo with my family and my grandma...
Nonna mi manchi tanto, spero tu mi stia sempre accanto... ovunque tu sia... sei sempre nel mio cuore...

...and now I have to think about photos... about me... and that's it.
no more time for kids..

E.

Redemption

Let's start over again

Why can't we start it over again?

Just let us start it over again

And we'll be good
This time we'll get it...
We'll get it right

It's our last chance to forgive ourselves

..all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy..

...this is almost my face right now after I spent the entire day on my books, studying for the midterm, now I'm totally powerless, my eyes are so dry that I can feel my contacts everytime I close and open them, I didnt have time to eat anything, just breakfast this morning, and after all I feel I'm not ready for tomorrow, I'm scared and I dont know really what I'm going to do, it's the first time for me, the only thing I know is that the midterm is damn important... almost like the final exam...
Tomorrow I have Fundamentals of Photography test, Digital Photography on Thursday and History of Film on Friday... History of Photo and Concept will be next week... I'm praying, eventhough I dont know who... just hoping that my brain it's going to work properly tomorrow.
This time of my life is not the best I remember, too many things to do, too many things spinning on my head, too many questions without an answer, I feel like I'm walking alone and I'm fighting for something I'll never have, maybe...
why people prefer playing and hiding their feelings instead of talking to each other and live for real???? I dont understand why and it makes me feel sick!!!!!!
I feel those stupid butterflies in my stomach, but they dont fly, they are biting and scratching me and I cant do anything, everything I do it's not enough...

Please wish me luck for this week :) I need it..
and now I think I need to eat...

E.

Mad World...

I'm still alive :)
finally after 20 days i found some time to write a post on my blog!
My life is going too fast and im always too busy i cant take care of my little diary as id like to...but now im here... so...
my student life is great, i love AAU and even though it's pretty tough im doing all my best, stuying hard to keep my goals, this is all i want and all i have to do, now the most important thing is thinking about my future! 3 days ago i did my first assignment for Fundamentals of Photography and i got an A+ ... you should look at my smiley face at that moment, my teacher told me a lot of great things and i felt soo happy i was almost crying lol and after a good grade my motivation is huge! I'm born to take pics and i dont need anything else :)
My personal life is pretty good...
My sentimental life sucks...
i tried, i was almost happy again.. but i lost it... dont know why, i didnt get it, im so disappointed, so empty, maybe it's true.. im too self absorbed to figure out what other people feels.. it's the meanest thing somebody told me.. cant stop thinking about that, about who told me that.. but what can i do? I'm busy, maybe too busy, my school comes first, i must think about my future, and im kicking my ass to do it.. im just sad because i thought it could works, but it didnt... and i lost somebody i really liked after long time... now im trying to turn the page, but my mind is still there...
But the show must go on... so i'm still running, and running as fast as i can.. i have to leave out all the rest right now, maybe it sounds selfish but i dont have any choice. Me first, my life, my school, my future...got shit to do... then im gonna find time to think about somebody else... but yeah, i miss you... hope to find you again in another time of my life...
Cant never stop thinking about that day... we were sitting in front of each others, looking at each others, and we couldnt do anything, it was the wrong moment, in the wrong place... we were singing that song... together... we were so close... and so far... we were so wrong but it was one of the best moment i can remember...
the more you cant have something, the more you want something...

2/14/2011

LOVE WILL TEAR US APART...

Up and Down..

...ed è ufficialmente iniziato il semestre all'Academy of Art, major in photography per la signorina Eleonora. Oggi ho seguito le prime lezioni e mi sono sentita come una bambina a Disneyland, è stato pazzesco, la classe di Fundamental of photography è incredibile, 3 ore passate velocissime e dio santo se mi sono sentita davvero presa, la seconda lezione photo, film and concepts è stata una sorta di chiacchierata col prof quindi per ora non so dire se mi piaccia o meno.. ma ci è stata fatta la panoramica di cosa potremo fare e santo iddio mi stavo leccando baffi, naso, orecchie etc etc ... il mio godimento più grande sarà quando faremo darkroom, già mi vedo lì a sviluppare le mie foto da sola, per ora mi accontento dei miei rullini fatti con le mie toy camera, ma appena ho 2 soldini mi compro una canon vintage analogica e poi dite pure addio alla sottoscritta perchè passerò ogni secondo del mio tempo libero a scattare dappertutto...
Domani ho lezione di digital photography... che dire, non vedo l'ora!
Questo week end inoltre sarà super movimentato, devo fare il trasloco!!!!!!! ebbene si signori HABEMUS CASAM!!! per una volta ho avuto un pò di culo e ho trovato una casa adorabile, con 3 ragazze americane che mi sono sembrate carinissime, la stanza è medio/grande e c'è anche una gattina che gironzola per casa, l'affitto è decisamente ottimo calcolando che torno a vivere in Marina! il mio primo quartiere, quello dove ho vissuto per i primi mesi qui e di questo sono felicissima, nonchè non amassi Russian Hill anzi, ma in Marina c'è il mio daddy Dario, e una parte del mio curicino visto che comunque ho dei ricordi particolari legati a quella zona, poi non c'è da fare nulla è un bel quartiere, residenziale, pieno di negozi, ristoranti, bar, club etc etc la gente che ci vive è il solo ed unico difetto, purtroppo è un pò come avere a che fare con i parioli a Roma, c'è ancora gente che si sente più figa perchè abita in una bella zona, ma io me ne guardo bene dal frequentare queste persone :) ergo continuerò a uscire dove esco ora, tra Mission e North Beach, dove c'è il casino insomma!
.. e se fin qui sono sembrata miss felicità, passo subito al lato meno piacevole di questo periodo: punto uno sono stressatissima che sto dando di matto, sono in completa bancarotta, ho speso tutti i miei soldi tra università e casa nuova, il lavoro non va bene in questo momento perchè è bassa stagione e se non trovo qualcos'altro da fare andò a vendermi un rene... cerco di essere positiva ma non è facile a volte mi sento davvero a pezzi, ma comunque provo ad andare avanti...
e poi... c'è il mio cuore che ha ripreso a battere e ho troppa paura... la prima cosa che mi viene in mente di fare è scappare, sono davvero terrorizzata...
ma di questo parlerò per bene.. forse un giorno..

get a cupcake!

OMG what a full week!!!! I didn't have time to write anything, actually sometimes I didn't have enough time to go to the bathroom... btw i did too many things this week and of course the most important was the fuc@ing TOEFL test!!!!!! and YEAH I made it!!! after 8 months studing for that damn test I made it, now I dont need to study anymore for ESL class, thank God :)
AAU is gonna start in one week and I'm super excited and a bit nervous... also I'm still looking for a new house, Im going crazy :( I have 15 days to find a new place to live and here it's really hard, SF is amazing but too expensive and right now I'm pretty poor....but I'm not gonna give up, I'll try to think pink...
Yesterday was Cassandra's bday! I spent all day with her, we went to Alamo Square, chilling at the amazing park in front of the Painted Ladies (the most famous houses in SF), and than i took her getting her bday present... a new tattoo!!!!! she is crazy for tattoos like me and we had the idea to get a tattoo together to celebrate her bday and my TOEFL (and my new life...)... we get a cupcake.. it's soo yummy!!!!!!!!! I love it!! (mine is the one on the right side!)
Today I'm off, San Francisco is gorgeous in these days, sunny and super warm, I cant believe is January!!! I'm sorry for you italians, I know the weather sucks over there :P so I'm going to join this fantastic sunny day!!

E.

sassolini nella scarpa. Prima Parte

...qualcuno mi disse che la salita stava per iniziare...e così è stato... ma quando c'è da tirare fuori le palle e i denti non c'è che da chiedere.
Il nuovo anno è iniziato più duro che mai... questo mese sarà topico.
Mi aspettano il TOEFL, l'inizio dell'academy of Art e tanto per mettere la ciliegina sulla torta devo trovare una nuova casa.........
stenderei un velo pietoso su quanto è stato detto e fatto, sul come certe decisioni siano state prese senza nemmeno dire una parola e soprattutto il perchè e per come, ma vabbè... meglio così, chi mi legge sa come la pensavo su certe convivenze forzate; il solo problema è che devo trovare una nuova sistemazione in un mese e in questa città non è proprio così facile da fare... ma è un'altra sfida e a me le cose facili non sono mai piaciute, quindi metterò tutta me stessa anche in questa nuova ricerca...la sola cosa che mi dispiace è che come sempre ho fatto enormi errori di valutazione, reputando determinate persone come "amiche" e invece ora queste certe persone non hanno nemmeno il coraggio di guardarmi in faccia e dirmi cosa realmente pensano, ma uno che la sapeva lunga diceva "non ti curar di loro, ma guarda e passa...." bè è quello che ho sempre fatto e continuerò a fare :)
Purtroppo non avrò molto tempo per scrivere, sono super incasinata con tutto, ho dovuto bloccare anche il mio 365 project e me ne dispiace da morire ma l'editing mi prende troppo tempo e ora come ora non ne ho manco per andare al cesso :(

Unico pensiero ora va a mio fratello, la mia famiglia che vorrei si preoccupasse un pò meno per me (dato che mi fanno venire l'ansia con tutte le loro attenzioni) e a mia nonna che mi guarda da lì su...

E.

San Francisco i'm coming!!!!!!!

check-in on line: done.
luggage: done.
I'm ready to leave, again.

Tomorrow morning @ 7.50 i have my flight for London, one hour in Heathrow and than straight to San Francisco, I'll be there @ 1.30 pm pacific time, 10.30 pm italian time.. Just 13 days in my hometown with my family, not easy days at all, I mean I was really happy to see my family, my bro, my friends, but I found my grandma really sick, seeing her in that way made me feel too bad... i don't know what i have to hope for her... hope she's gonna stop suffering soon...
btw i'm happy to go back home, i'm happy to start studing again, January 17th is close and i have the TOEFL and i'm super ready, also i miss my "family" over there, all my friends, i really miss my own life that is not here anymore. My only desire is seeing my brother soon, i'm gonna miss him too much...
As always i'm super scared of the flight so cuddles are appreciated :)
See you soon from San Fran...

E.